Since antiquity, the dynamics of the couple have been mainly conditioned by the biological order, whose primary purpose is that of reproduction. The social order has protected and served the biological order throughout the centuries through the elaboration and perpetuation of marriage rituals, whose main objective has been the creation of a contract – either explicit or implicit – that is recognized by the community and that tries, as far as possible, to define and delimit an economic space that is sufficiently favourable as to guarantee reproductive success. The conjugal house, property and resources, including family and social ties, form part of that economic space. The agreement may have civil or religious characteristics, depending on the time and context in which it takes place.
Contracts have not always been official, or completely binding and closed. Likewise, marriages or similar have not always been composed of only two people, although, basically, the agreement has always been made between two, regardless of the final number of members in the marriage configuration. In almost all of these multiple arrangements a centralist structure has predominated, in which one of the members (almost always a male, with some exceptions), has acted as the dominant figure and is situated as the central axis of the group.
One of the consequences of relationships in a couple orbiting around the command of reproduction is that, generally, the marriages or other arrangements that society has accepted have been heterosexual ones. There have been some exceptions in some places throughout history, in which, for short periods, same-sex marriages have been allowed; this has more usually been the case within the influential classes, and more often between men than between women. Today we live in a time of increasing openness in which there is an incipient movement towards the normalization of same-sex couples.
Despite the different forms that have occurred over time, a partnership tends to configure itself as a one-to-one relationship, both when it is monogamous and when it is not.
Although reproduction is the basic instinct, it does not come about by itself, but appears connected to sexual desire. This is so strong that it has actually been the motor of our societies since time immemorial. Human beings are one of the few mammals that find themselves in a continuous mating season. Desire impels us towards the search for sexual pleasure. Nature seems to have thereby ensured the continuity of the reproductive paradigm. Desire is present regardless of gender and sexual orientation. Paradoxically, this impulse has been the enemy to be defeated, questioned, punished and mutilated on numerous occasions by cultures and religions, especially those that place more emphasis on the importance of reproduction: The latter has often been elevated to the status of "divine mandate", while sexual pleasure (generated by the same biological machine in charge of such a task) has been relegated to the realm of sin, over and over again.
A great many of the moral judgements surrounding sex actually have an underlying biological aspect. Avoiding adultery and promiscuity curbs the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases; the penalization of sex between close relatives is a protection against the transmission of unfavorable mutations, diseases and genetic disorders to one’s children, and so on. More questionably, repressing homosexuality is an attempt not to squander genetic resources that could otherwise be transmitted by heterosexual couples. It is true that nature penalizes certain behaviours over others, but the time has come to redefine our relationship with sexuality and put it into the scope of the 21st century, much more if you intend to be a warrior of conscience. Let us remember that human beings are not only biological, but also psychological and transpersonal. Often, however, the individual's interaction with sexuality remains today conditioned and unbalanced by social, cultural and religious patterns that can be conflicting, denigrating and outdated. This leads many people to reflect the conflicts of entire generations within themselves. As a consequence, some continue to act rigidly, seeking to comply with all rules, while others rebel, transgressing as much as possible. Both positions continue to generate imbalance and rupture in the individual and in their emotions.
Let us return, however, to the couple itself. I have presented some facts and reflections in the preceding paragraphs, which may bring some understanding or topics of discussion to conventional couples; nevertheless, this chapter is not aimed at those who seek that kind of relationship. And by conventional I am not referring to traditional, but to any of the variants that can be found today in which two people share at least their bodies and perhaps something else. Again, this is addressed to you, the warriors of consciousness, beings whose quest for authentic spiritual growth is what drives everything else.
Another of the persistent biases throughout history with regard to the couple and sex has been their presumed incompatibility with the spiritual path. This is simply an idiocy. The problem has never been about making love, but about wasting energy. Conventional couples waste their sexual energy, transform it into simple desire or ordinary pleasure, into a need to dominate or to be dominated, or they wear it out until they make a routine of what is, in essence, a magical act, or they simply exhaust it and then there is not even a routine. Couples that are aspirants to consciousness cannot allow for this to happen. They apply the same principles of the warrior's path to their relationship as a couple: impeccability, detachment, diminishing emotional dependence, virtuousness, weakening of the pillars of the ego, inner silence and a sorcerer's love that is cared for and nurtured every day. These are the activities of a warrior partnership: they both know that the road is always lonely, and at the same time, they feel grateful for having a travel companion. I would say that nowadays there is a real possibility of evolving into a couple that has scarcely existed in the past. It does not matter your gender or sexual orientation, if you are married or not, if you have children or not. We live in a period of great opportunities, despite the fact that, for the conventional couple, these are times of instability and fragmentation. Not all, but many conventional couples have a toxic relationship; this is not possible in a warrior partnership, otherwise it would become a conventional partnership.
An evolutionary partnership is one that has defined its joint purpose around the mutual growth of consciousness. This type of partnership considers its union to be sacred, without this being due to a social contract. Each one of them assumes the qualities of individual warriors and transfers these to the joint entity that they form as a couple. The work in the world, interactions and relationships with others, care of children if there are any, all revolve around a common nucleus, which empowers and integrates, without tying down or weakening its members. If, for whatever reason, the partnership comes to an end, its members would find themselves in a better situation than at the beginning of their relationship – more sober, stronger, wiser. The fact is that these couples tend to endure over time, not because of routine, but because they are a team that complements each other without dominating and without wearing themselves out, a binary system orbiting around their own centre of gravity, which is the Spirit itself. Obviously, they are united by love, but also by a fascination with life, and of course sex, which elevates them and makes them shine instead of being extinguished. The inevitable problem of any conventional couple is that, given that their union has been driven by the biological and social order, their psycho-emotional integration is affected by means of emotional dependence and the pattern of dominator-dominated. An evolutionary partnership has to account for this, and so a very important part of their work together will be aimed at minimizing the drive for dependence and control over each other. However, in spite of this virtual absence of the feeling of possession, mutual trust will continue to strengthen the union, sustaining a space of power and tracing a solid path beneath their feet.
The Evolutionary Partnership by Chema Sanz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.